BasicInfo
Please note that every effort has been made to keep all content of the diary entries identical to the original (including things like line breaks). The only modification that has been made is standardization of the dates, since several different formats were used (m.d.y, m/d/y, m-d-y). You may notice that some entries end abruptly or trail off - this is not due to incorrect transcription - feel free to compare to the original pdf copy at bidendiary.com.
DiaryEntry
2019-02-19
I've left Delray, Beach in flight to La La Land for an exclusive Executive Producer dinner event. Eric dropped me off – had an amazing 3 weeks with him. He made me happy, made me smile, feel loved, and wanted. He was vulnerable with me in a way I loved – felt super safe in his presence. He admitted to me that he was/is smoking pot – that his perogative[sic]. I know for me – for now – I can't smoke or do anything. It just feels too good being sober. Is Eric up to Howards or my parents standards? NO. He is a surfer – not highly educated – barely knows his grammer[sic]/ but he does know how to love – how to treat me like I need to be treated. He gives affection in ways I only hoped Howard would. It is light + fun. I have to remember that these were the feelings associated with Kevin – and they passed. I need to slow down + give myself time + space to breath. Maybe 6 wks away from him is actually not such a bad idea. I think I gotta slow my roll a little + put the focus back on me + my recovery. There are many loose ends to tie up and I am moving a little fast. I am crazy attracted to his height, body type, + psyhic. All I know is that it feels light + heavy at the same time. I'm different than my family. I never gave a shit about all the rules, ways, how to be's, and make you feel less than for not being. He reminds me of Jamie Alano. Taking me back to my first – one of my firsts – loves. I also haven't had my period yet which makes me slightly nervous but I'm expecting one any day now! This has been a really crazy ride thus far – what a tragic + amazing journey. Howard/Marriage Pro's ♥ one another Family's ♥ 1:1 Value-family Con's Don't share similar interests Guns vs. Fashion No sense of adventure Content @ Jersey Shore every weekend w/ family No language of ♥ Causal[sic] user Lying (white) No intimacy Don't kiss Built up resentments Don't like friends/can't hang out What values don't we share? → Loyalty → Financial → Intimacy/Affection For so long the softer, shyer, quieter side of me has been in hiding. The sweetness that once encompassed me + wrapped me up left me when my brother died. All of the affection – all the trust – went out the window the day that Howard went ahead with the feeding tube. I have forgiven – but don't think that I am able to get it back. Things you do want – 1. Affection – holding hands, kissing, hugging, sweet forehead kisses, face rubs, 2. Laughing → making me laugh + able to laugh @ me + self 3. Motivation/Desire for reaching goals/dreams 4. Spontaniety[sic] – 5. Passion – 6. Takes care of others → says “hi” → welcoming 7. Social Justice 8. Health 9. Honesty 10.
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | 0.12807946691185 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 1 |
| Sadness | 0 |
| Fear | 0 |
| Anger | 0 |
| Surprise | 0 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| love feel affection sweet little slow day laugh way light | |
Sentiment Score
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